For many students, bullying is an unfortunate reality of their school experience. Children can be cruel no matter how old they are, though a report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s Injury Center states that bullying is most commonly reported in middle school.
Common anti-bullying sentiment, such as “be an upstander, not a bystander,” an adage that many schools teach, often puts the responsibility of doing something about bullying on children—telling an adult or defending their peers. What is often downplayed is the responsibility of parents when their child is bullied or their child bullies others.
In an article for The Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley, developmental psychologist Diana Divecha writes that creating an authoritative but positive household is best for parents. Bullying often starts in the home, with children mirroring adults or other authority figures in their lives.
“In contrast, children who experience harsh parenting practices fare worse, and they’re more likely to become a bully or become the focus of bullying,” Divecha writes.
Dr. Shakira Espada-Campos, the associate chief of behavioral health at MDLIVE, agrees.
“If parents are concerned about their child exhibiting bullying behavior, it’s important to model empathy and respect yourself,” she says.
Dr. Espada-Campos has worked in the fields of child and family therapy for more than two decades, with a focus on trauma and social justice issues. Bullying is a common experience shared by many children and teenagers that often overlaps with her work because of its effects on their mental health.
On the social justice side of the issue, bullying can often stem from bigotry: children harassing those who are different from them, whether it is due to their race, gender, sexuality or economic status.
“The lack of awareness or knowledge of another group can result in the creation of false and/or unfair narratives. The ability to ask questions, learn about others and challenge misconceptions can lead to greater understanding, empathy and compassion,” Espada-Campos explains.
The most important thing that parents can do for a bullied child is to be there for them every step of the way, whether that involves offering a shoulder to cry on or taking steps to discuss bullying with authority figures at their school.
“It’s important to hear what the child experienced and reassure them that the decision to tell you was correct,” Espada-Campos says.
Director of Crisis Services Says Have Conversations with Your Kids
by Jarrad Saffren
Trust your instincts when it comes to your children, says Suzi Borg, the director of crisis services at the Mental Health Association of Frederick County. As parents, we’re intuitive about our children. We know when “something is a little off and they’re not responding the same way they usually respond.”
And in these moments, do not sit back. Start the conversation.
“And it’s a conversation and not a line of questioning. It’s about finding the time to have that conversation. That’s challenging for parents,” Borg says.
One time when her son was younger, Borg knew something was wrong. But she didn’t admonish him. She patiently explained why she was asking him questions about his behavior.
“I can tell that you’re upset. I know you’re upset because I see you getting angry or throwing your toys or lashing out at your sister. When I see that, something is usually bothering you,” Borg explains of how she would talk to her son.
“I can do that instead of saying, ‘What’s wrong with you?’” she says. “Approach it kindly and softly.”
And perhaps do it in the car.
“I think some of my best conversations with my children were in the car. Where maybe they don’t have to be looking right at me,” Borg explains. “Or maybe they’re doing [LEGO builds] or drawing pictures. Tossing a ball. Everything’s not focused on, ‘Tell me your feelings.’”
