From GLP-1 medications and diet trends to cosmetic procedures and anti-aging treatments, changing one’s appearance has become increasingly common.
Leslee Bry, owner, founder and CEO of Mindful Marriage and Family Therapy in Frederick, spoke with Frederick’s Child about how parents discuss these decisions with their children while promoting self-acceptance.
This interview was edited for length and clarity.
What’s the difference between making a personal choice and sending the message that appearance determines health, attractiveness or worth?
An important question parents can ask themselves is, “What is my why?” Did your health team recommend a change? Do you want to be more mobile for your child? Or have you not yet cared for a deeper wound? Have you done the work to understand that cosmetic changes do not in fact change who you are? If your reason for making a change is the hope that it will adjust your value or worth, then that will also be communicated to your child. This can be something as simple as a haircut or as invasive as a facelift. Your why matters.
Exploring the systemic issues influencing how you see yourself can help you better prepare your child to face these questions in the future. Therapy can be a great tool for that understanding.
How can parents explain changes to children in age-appropriate ways without implying that aging or natural features are flaws?
Creating opportunities for your child to ask questions or explore the topics of aging or bodily changes overall can be incredibly helpful. Being able to understand what changes are happening and why can be incredibly comforting for a child that relies on parents for stability and consistency. The amount of detail may be determined by age and maturity, but at any age, creating space for your child to feel safe processing their own thoughts and feelings about these changes can be helpful. This is a change for them as well!
While a wrinkle on your face may seem like a flaw to you, it may be a comfort to your child, as it is a part of a familiar face that they love. Support them with comfort and reassurance and focus conversations on function and health rather than value and self-love being the cornerstone of your “why” to promote healthy self-esteem.
How can parents avoid tying attractiveness or self-worth to weight or appearance?
Children tend to mirror the way we treat ourselves. It is for this reason that it is incredibly important for parents to be mindful of the ways that they speak about themselves and their shape, size and appearance. The ideals of diet culture and fatphobia are contagious and easy to pass on to your child. Pay attention to language that inadvertently creates messages that food or body size is good or bad. Instead, it may be helpful to comment on how one meal energized you and another was flavorful, how walking helps your mind or how great it is to be able to pick up your child with your newfound strength. This is in opposition to expressing guilt or shame about a specific meal or treat — or even sharing how beautiful you feel now that you are a pants size down.
