Conversations about adoption can feel overwhelming for many parents — when to start, what to say and how to handle the hard questions. To help families navigate these sensitive moments with honesty and care, we spoke with Dr. Liz DeBetta. She is the founder of Migrating Toward Wholeness©, where she offers trauma-informed care, and she also serves on the faculty at the University of Michigan.
Drawing from research and years of experience supporting adoptees and families, DeBetta shares insights on timing, language and creating a home environment where adoption is a natural and valued part of a child’s identity.
When is the right time to tell a child they are adopted?
Adoptee and professor Amanda Baden’s 2019 research shows that adoptees who don’t learn of their adoptions until after the age of 3 suffer greater emotional distress and overall lower life satisfaction than those who learn earlier. Adoption should therefore be shared before age 3, and parents can seek guidance from adoption-competent, trauma-informed professionals to ensure these conversations are handled with care.
Early openness prevents secrecy from becoming harmful later on and helps adoption become part of a child’s natural identity formation.
What should parents do if they didn’t talk about adoption early on, and now their child is older?
Begin with honesty: “We should have told you sooner, and we’re sorry.” Acknowledge the delay without centering your own guilt or fragility, and be ready for strong emotions. Your role is to model co-regulation — staying present, calm and grounded — so your child learns that their feelings are safe to bring forward. This is a good time to involve an adoption-competent therapist or coach who can support the child and family through the process of rebuilding trust.
How can parents answer tough questions their child might ask about birth parents or why they were placed for adoption?
Answer with honesty and age-appropriate language, even when the information is incomplete. If you don’t know, say so instead of guessing or sugarcoating. Validate not only the question but the feelings beneath it: “It makes sense you’d want to know, and it’s OK to wonder.” Keep dialogue open — [reassurring] your child that questioning is welcome and safe.
Avoid framing birth parents in dehumanizing ways or defaulting to savior narratives that position adoptive parents as rescuers; this only fuels shame and guilt. Instead, emphasize that adoption is rooted in complex circumstances and that the adoptee had no choice in it, which makes their right to ask and know even more vital.
How can parents create a home environment where adoption is a natural and celebrated part of their child’s identity?
Talk about adoption as part of everyday life, not as a hidden or rare subject. Include adoptee-centered books, stories and communities in your child’s world. Celebrate without glossing over the grief or loss inherent in adoption. Importantly, avoid harmful tropes that erase first families or cast adoptive parents as saviors — these reinforce silence and shame. A truly supportive environment validates the wholeness of the adoptee’s identity, honoring all parts of their story.
Adoption Resources
Looking for support close to home? These local resources can help guide you and your family through every stage of the adoption journey.
CASE: Center for Adoption Support and Education
adoptionsupport.org
Mountain View Community Church Orphan & Vulnerable Children Support
mvccfrederick.com/ovcministry
Barker Adoption Foundation
barkeradoptionfoundation.org
MRPA: Maryland Resource Parent Association
mrpa.org
Maryland Post Adoption Support
adoptuskids.org/adoption-and-foster-care/parenting-support/support-services-by-state/maryland
